She Loves Me. She Loves Me Not.
In one thirty minute episode of the popular television sitcom "Caroline in the City", the relationship between Caroline and her new boyfriend Tom was defined and then redefined. Their relationship evolved from one of interest to one of casual, friendly dating with the hope of becoming intimate and finally to no relationship at all. This particular episode was an excellent example of how relationships are constantly evolving and changing and are sometimes redefined due to messages sent by those involved in the relationship or by other outside influences.
Upon first meeting in a restaurant, Tom and Caroline each sent out signals that they were interested in getting to know one another on a personal level. They were part of a conversation taking place between four people but they did not take their eyes off of one another. When Caroline's friend, Annie, spoke to Tom he answered her but looked at Caroline the entire time he was speaking. This indicated to Caroline that she was the one he was interested in and wanted to get to know. Caroline sent him the same message when she walked out of the restaurant backward because she did not want to take her eyes off of Tom. She was so interested in and fascinated by him that did not notice a table in her path and tripped over it. Caroline and Tom each let the other know without verbally saying so that they wanted to get to know each other on a more intimate level and possibly develop a relationship.
Caroline and Tom next met on their first date. Although there was not much physical contact between the two of them, their almost constant eye contact with one another indicated their interest in one another. Also, when they ran into Caroline's ex-boyfriend and Caroline introduced him to Tom as "her new friend", her voice rose on the word "friend" in a manner that seemed to say "this is my friend, but I hope he will become more than that." The message she sent to Tom falls into the inclusion dimension of intimacy. Caroline wanted him to know that she wanted to be with him and get involved with him on an intimate level.
Tom also wanted Caroline to know that he was interested in her on an intimate level and he did this by sending her nothing but confirming messages. He was very interested in and enthusiastic about hearing about the comic strip that Caroline writes and illustrates. He wanted to hear all about how she got involved in her work and told her what a great job she did with the strip. In a subtle way he was letting Caroline know that he was interested in all aspects of her life and wanted to be included in her life. Tom also gave Caroline a rose at the conclusion of their first date together. This is something that women see as very romantic. Tom knew that if he gave her a rose, Caroline would catch on to the fact that he was interested in her in a romantic way. He was also sending messages that fall into the inclusion category of intimacy.
The third time we saw Caroline and Tom interacting with each other was on their next date. After they ate the dinner that Caroline cooked, she told Tom that she had something to show him in her bedroom. She asked him, "Did I just invite you into my bedroom to check out my merchandise? I better just fix you some coffee, huh?" On their own these questions say exactly what they appear to say, but the expression on Caroline's face said a lot more. She had a very flirty tone of voice and asked these questions to Tom with her chin down but her eyes cast up at him. After asking them, she then tossed her hair; also a flirty gesture. Tom knew exactly what Caroline was trying to say to him. She was sending the message that she was going to remain submissive, but that she wanted Tom to take control of the situation and initiate the physical contact that she desired. Tom caught right on to this and assumed the dominant role that Caroline wanted him to by proceeding to grab her and kiss her. She followed his lead and kissed him back. They had successfully communicated their desires to one another and were now moving toward the physical intimacy each desired.
The next scene in which we saw Caroline and Tom was later on in the same evening. They were sitting on Caroline's couch and kissing one another. The amount of kissing and touching they were doing could not be mistaken for anything but the desire to become physically intimate. Tom interrupted this interaction by telling Caroline that he really liked being with her. She told him that she liked him too, and then lowered her head and let her hair fall into her eyes. This sent him the message that she was possibly a little shy or nervous about letting herself become so vulnerable by sharing her feelings. Her message falls into the trust category of relational messages because although she may have felt a little uncomfortable, she trusted Tom enough to tell him how she felt. At this point their relationship could have been defined as," We like each other and are attracted to each other. We are now ready to move to the next level of physical and emotional intimacy."
In the next statement Tom made he changed his and Caroline's entire relationship and its definition. He told her that he was married. Caroline immediately jumped off of the couch and her entire body became stiff. She was telling Tom through her body language that although she had trusted him before she knew now that she was wrong and no longer wished to be near him. Her body language's message was confirmed when she told him to "get out." Although the two of them had never formally established a relational contract, Caroline felt that it was a necessary "clause" of such a contract that the two of them be single and monogamous. This clause was non-negotiable and therefore the relationship could no longer continue to develop.
Tom told Caroline that he was really doing her a favor because most men would not have told her that they were married. Caroline told him, "You're swell. You set the standard for which all men should strive." On paper this sounds like a compliment, but Caroline did not mean for it to be so. The tension in her body and the sarcasm in her voice sent Tom the disconfirming message that she meant to send him. She did not approve of him and did not want to be around him. Her picking up his coat and throwing it out the door into the hall also let him know that his company was no longer desired and he should go. Their relationship could now be defined as, "We are not friends and we will never be. Caroline has no interest in being with Tom."
Our relationships and their definitions are constantly in a state of change. In real life it does not take a half an hour to define and then redefine a relationship, but in one episode of "Caroline in the City" the way this definition can be established and the messages sent in doing so were demonstrated very clearly.